Momma the Smurfette

Lest you think that this blog is a gloom and doom kinda thing, from time to time you'll read a few irreverent postings. The death rate for any generation is 100%. We all die. The difference is that I know what probably will kill me, while most folks don't. The reality of death doesn't go away by denying it...I much prefer to look at the big picture...all aspects of my situation.

The bad thing about breast cancer is that it rarely stays put in Boobsville. The traveling terror likes to float into the chain of lymph nodes under the arm and surrounding areas. One of the medical marvels that I enjoyed (?) in the hours prior to the surgery was sentinel lymph node mapping. This involves using a low-level radioactive substance and a blue dye to identify the first lymph nodes the cancer has reached in the lymphatic chain, so that these are the only lymph nodes removed if the others are not involved. What the boys in "nuk-lear" medicine ( sorry, George) don't tell you when they inject the dye, is that your boob will turn blue. Really blue. Smurfette blue. No, really! Oh yeah....and that your pee will be green for a while. Very green.... St Patrick's day in Dublin green. But I digress...

That having been said, flashback to one of the days right after my lumpectomy. A conversation with my daughter Diva...

Diva: How has it been?

KL: It's been good. I cold turkeyed off the Vicodin yesterday afternoon. It had me major fouled up---nauseaous, couldn't eat. Son, have you EVER known me not to be able to EAT?? Anyway, I was tired of feeling so yucky. I'm on Aleve now and have actually eaten twice now, and I just had my first BM since MONDAY so I know I'm going to feel better. Bea and Gloria came over, dressed me and dragged my ass to Ali's for a salad for lunch. I wore my sports bra for the first time...but that's a whole 'nother story.

Diva: Definitely - it sucks not being able to poo. YUCK. I'm glad you are feeling better - I'm sure just notching down to the Aleve will help with the grogginess. That was sweet of Bea and Gloria...what happened with the sports bra?

KL: Well, I tried to put it on yesterday. It seems that I now am the bearer of 1 38 D and 1 38++DD. It seems that I have a LITTLE swelling in the Smurfette region. Yes, it's blue and ENORMOUS. I couldn't even snap the sucker. Today was better because I wasn't Vicodin impaired and the swelling must be down some. Said bra when snapped gives me a certain medievel beer wench look. Big, bountiful white and BLUE boobies pouring over the top. Very hot....

Diva: Oh yeah - I should have warned you about the uniboob look. It's fabulous. Hopefully the swelling will go down...would some ice help? Do you need a Smurfette Booby Cushion?

KL: Truthfully, when I actually got everything stuffed down into it, the sports bra felt pretty good. After about 30 min ahhh not so much....so I'm home, back in my gown and ready for a nap. I never dreamed a simple shower, hair wash, putting on clothes and eating lunch could be so tiring. I'm not sure my poor, violated leftie could stand ice....and the flying squirrel look has grown to new proportions. ( A reference to my fabulous 50-something underside of the arms) Did you know FAT could swell?