Blog This!

I recently began writing this Web log or blog at the urging of my daughter, Diva, who no doubt thought that it was less expensive than hiring a shrink to treat me. Starting a blog at this late date seems somewhat akin to developing an interest in disco dancing in 1980....but then, nobody ever accused me of rushing into anything.

As a former English teacher, I tend to look at writing in a fairly analytical manner. The whole concept of the blog reminds me of the commonplace books that characterized the nineteenth century. The first commonplace books actually surfaced during the Renaissance and held hand-copied excerpts from manuscripts along with personal annotations. Later these became more like what we consider scrapbooks. In these, people of literary bent would paste photos or cuttings from newspapers and magazines. Between these cuttings might be appropriate scraps of prose or poetry, or related thoughts of the writer.

Pasting, linking, tagging and so on have brought about a similar style of publishing in Blogland. Although blogs are as various as the humans who compile them, there seems to be a trend of gleaning in most of the sites I've visited. Gleaners were indigent peasants who collected the leftover wheat or fruit that the farmers left in their fields. Gleaning seems to me to be the best metaphor for how we bloggers select, comment on and redistribute cuttings to the reader....Interspersed with our own comments and revelations.

So Diva, blog I will! Your inheritance, both dollars of it, is safe. Although I'm not sure that anyone reads this, the blog is an excellent place to express, vent and ruminate.....and much cheaper than therapy.

The Purpose Driven Life

Rick Warren said:

People ask me, what is the purpose of life? And I respond:

In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act, the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.

God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ-likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life, but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you got to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or....... you can focus on your problems.

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is: "my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others. We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people... You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do....

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Im Too Sexy for this Cancer ....

Just a little update....Earlier this month, after a PET scan, it was determined that my breast cancer had already metasticized beyond the lymph nodes under my arm to 4 in my chest and one down behind my liver. It is not in any organs or bones at this point, but my lymph system is pretty well involved.

I began chemotherapy on Aug 4...have had 2 treatments, with no discomfort at all. I've felt great! I found out why yesterday. But let me back up for a minute....

When I began treatment with my oncologist, he said things like, "I can't promise that you'll get well" and "We'll try to extend your time and maintain quality of life." Now, maybe it's just me, but I read that as, "You've got Stage IV cancer and you need to get your act together and deal with it."

After some online research etc. I discovered that the oral and IV chemo I was taking was more or less a maintenance program... Not very aggressive at all. I'm thinking is that the best we can do?

I had a scheduled MD appointment yesterday, and I had decided to confront my oncologist with his non-existent sense of urgency. I am in the waiting stage for a second opinion at MD Anderson because I have felt like this guy had written me off....and my frustration level has reached epic proportions.

Anyway...I go to my appointment yesterday and am told that my MD is in Hawaii and that I'll be seeing one of the other partners in the practice. This turned out to be a big blessing. The new doc comes in and we talk a bit as he scans my chart---which by now looks like the Houston phone book. He asks how I'm doing with my chemo and I tell him that I've not had any discomfort at all...couldn't really tell that I'd had any. His response was, "Well, you're taking a minimal dosage, and these really aren't the first line drugs that we use to treat metastic disease." I was stunned. "This is what we might give an 85-year-old woman who wasn't able to take the more aggressive treatment...or maybe what we might use as a follow up after a more aggressive treatment plan," he continued.

He explained that there are two basic approaches that oncologists take in treatment of Stage IV metastic disease. The first, which my original MD was obviously taking, was to maintain, manage symptoms and try to preserve quality of life until the end The other is to aggressively attack the cancer with all available options. "The choice is the patient's," he said. The reality hit me---I was NEVER given a choice. I was simply told that this is how we're going to do this....period. I was relying on this MD to give me the best course of action given my circumstances.

It turns out that the new/substitute MD has a wife diagnosed about six months ago with basically the same set of variables that I do. She is on a very aggressive treatment plan, and three weeks ago a set of scans showed that her cancer was gone in some areas and vastly improved in others. This was a combination of drugs Cytoxin, Adriamycin, and Taxotere----the big guns. This was a no brainer as far as I was concerned ... So in the words of Meg Ryan, in that famous scene from When Harry Met Sally, "I'll have what SHE'S having!" New treatments start tomorrow morning.

Will it work? I don't have a clue. Will I have more side effects? Definitely. Is it the right thing for me to do? I believe so. If this cancer is so advanced that nothing can be done, then I'll accept that and deal with it. I simply don't believe that I'm there yet and I'm not going without a fight

What I'm Learning...

I think one of my most important lessons is this: Between those of us who view cancer as a challenge and those of us who view cancer as a curse, the primary distinction is whether we perceive ourselves as victors or victims. As a cancer patient, I suspect that the most important lessons of my life are being taught by cancer - a severe teacher. It has taught me the best way to live: Make informed choices. Do not avoid the hard decisions. Love myself more. Look for good anywhere and find good everywhere. Enjoy the humor in my circumstances. Live vigorously and remember that none of us get out of this life alive!

Were I to reduce all my lessons so far to one concise moral, I would use the letters: G-O-D-I-S-N-O-W-H-E-R-E. It can be read, "God is nowhere!" or "God is now here!" Like everything in my life of any significance, the way I see it always depends on how I look at it.

Is This in the AARP Driving Manual?

This is a recording of a phone call from a Jack-in-the-Box restaurant manager in the Dallas area calling his boss to let him know he'll be late for a meeting. As he is leaving the message from the cell phone in his car, he witnesses an accident, and describes what he sees unfold after the accident. This is the actual voice mail. It was forwarded so many times within Jack-in-the-Box; it crashed their voice mail server.

This guy really looses it, as he gives us a blow by blow account :

http://home.swbell.net/kf5tv/voicemail.mp3

Good Advice

Rules from God

1. Wake Up !!
Decide to have a good day.
"Today is the day the Lord hath made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalms 118:24

2. Dress Up !!
The best way to dress up is to put on a smile.
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.
Man looks at outward appearance;
but the Lord looks at the heart."
I Samuel 16:7

3. Shut Up!!
Say nice things and learn to listen.
God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant
for us to do twice as much listening as talking.
"He who guards his lips guards his soul."
Proverbs 13:3


4. Stand Up!!...
For what you believe in.
Stand for something or you will fall for anything..
"Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time,
we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..."
Galatians 6:9-10

5. Look Up !!...
To the Lord.
"I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13

6. Reach Up !!...
For something higher.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not unto your own understanding.
In all your ways, acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your path."
Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up !!...
Your Prayers.
"Do not worry about anything;
instead PRAY ABOUT
EVERYTHING."
Philippians 4:6

Momma the Smurfette

Lest you think that this blog is a gloom and doom kinda thing, from time to time you'll read a few irreverent postings. The death rate for any generation is 100%. We all die. The difference is that I know what probably will kill me, while most folks don't. The reality of death doesn't go away by denying it...I much prefer to look at the big picture...all aspects of my situation.

The bad thing about breast cancer is that it rarely stays put in Boobsville. The traveling terror likes to float into the chain of lymph nodes under the arm and surrounding areas. One of the medical marvels that I enjoyed (?) in the hours prior to the surgery was sentinel lymph node mapping. This involves using a low-level radioactive substance and a blue dye to identify the first lymph nodes the cancer has reached in the lymphatic chain, so that these are the only lymph nodes removed if the others are not involved. What the boys in "nuk-lear" medicine ( sorry, George) don't tell you when they inject the dye, is that your boob will turn blue. Really blue. Smurfette blue. No, really! Oh yeah....and that your pee will be green for a while. Very green.... St Patrick's day in Dublin green. But I digress...

That having been said, flashback to one of the days right after my lumpectomy. A conversation with my daughter Diva...

Diva: How has it been?

KL: It's been good. I cold turkeyed off the Vicodin yesterday afternoon. It had me major fouled up---nauseaous, couldn't eat. Son, have you EVER known me not to be able to EAT?? Anyway, I was tired of feeling so yucky. I'm on Aleve now and have actually eaten twice now, and I just had my first BM since MONDAY so I know I'm going to feel better. Bea and Gloria came over, dressed me and dragged my ass to Ali's for a salad for lunch. I wore my sports bra for the first time...but that's a whole 'nother story.

Diva: Definitely - it sucks not being able to poo. YUCK. I'm glad you are feeling better - I'm sure just notching down to the Aleve will help with the grogginess. That was sweet of Bea and Gloria...what happened with the sports bra?

KL: Well, I tried to put it on yesterday. It seems that I now am the bearer of 1 38 D and 1 38++DD. It seems that I have a LITTLE swelling in the Smurfette region. Yes, it's blue and ENORMOUS. I couldn't even snap the sucker. Today was better because I wasn't Vicodin impaired and the swelling must be down some. Said bra when snapped gives me a certain medievel beer wench look. Big, bountiful white and BLUE boobies pouring over the top. Very hot....

Diva: Oh yeah - I should have warned you about the uniboob look. It's fabulous. Hopefully the swelling will go down...would some ice help? Do you need a Smurfette Booby Cushion?

KL: Truthfully, when I actually got everything stuffed down into it, the sports bra felt pretty good. After about 30 min ahhh not so much....so I'm home, back in my gown and ready for a nap. I never dreamed a simple shower, hair wash, putting on clothes and eating lunch could be so tiring. I'm not sure my poor, violated leftie could stand ice....and the flying squirrel look has grown to new proportions. ( A reference to my fabulous 50-something underside of the arms) Did you know FAT could swell?

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit